Isolated Family

Joining forces to create a new family should be a positive and happy thing. Elaine Taylor of Relate Cambridge advises on ways to help everyone get along harmoniously

Children need and deserve both parents. This can take some managing for couples who have separated, particularly if thre are feelings of anger and jealousy towards an ex’s new partner. So it’s important to separate out what was your ‘couple relationship’ with an ex, from your ongoing relationship as co-parents. In other words – separating partnering from parenting.

And what happens when you, as a parent, meet a potential new partner? If possible, avoid introducing your children to a new partner until the relationship is serious - children can quickly become attached and may then have to suffer the loss of another adult figure. Once the decision is made that this new relationship is truly for the long term, children should be introduced to your partner sensitively, and over a period of time.

Moving in

For those thinking of living with a new partner, talk to them about their role as a step-parent. Learning how to live together happily takes time, and needs to be balanced with children maintaining a relationship with their other parent. If your new partner already has a family of their own, it helps to agree house rules before moving in together.

The trick is to find a way of operating as a family unit that everybody is happy with. Your family will have its own rules and boundaries, which of course will have to be different for older and younger members. Each parent or step-parent is likely to bring different messages and ideas from their family backgrounds. Every family’s way of operating is going to be particular to that family.

A word of warning – if family rules and boundaries are not clear to all members, there is potential for conflict. A healthy family system allows for development, change and spontaneity with mistakes being seen as opportunities for growth. Every member of the family needs to be seen as precious and unique.

A new baby

If and when a new baby arrives, it is likely bring all sorts of powerful emotions in a stepfamily. Existing children may feel jealous or sidelined. However, a new baby can form an important central link in a family, as being related in some way to everybody can demonstrate that this new family is for keeps.

Remember that many stepfamilies find positive ways of living together and even if a situation seems so bad that it’s hard imagine it improving, one thing is certain: things always change and they can change for the better, as long there is the ability to keep on looking at problems and trying to understand them together.

TIPS FOR A HAPPY STEPFAMILY

Aim to separate partnering from parenting with your ex.

Talk to new partners about their role as step parent.

Agree some house rules before moving in together.

Make sure the rules and boundaries that you make are clear to all.

Try to maintain your children’s relationships with members of the extended family.

Elaine Taylor is a trained relationship counsellor with Relate Cambridge. Visit relatecambridge.org.uk or call 01223 357424.